


Merry Christmas, Bucky (Winter's Red Star)

by Katzchen (Sprocketgasmask), TilTheEndOfTheLinePal



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Avenger Bucky Barnes, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Christmas, Christmas Lights, Christmas Presents, Christmas Tree, Declarations Of Love, Dog Tags, Domestic Violence, Feels, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hugs, Kissing, LGBT, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Minor Violence, No Sex, No Smut, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-02 23:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2830328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sprocketgasmask/pseuds/Katzchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TilTheEndOfTheLinePal/pseuds/TilTheEndOfTheLinePal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>((No Smut, No Sex.)) The Winter Soldier is a new Avenger who happens to be struggling with PTSD.  Bucky experiences a flashback to a domestic violence incident with his Dad, Master Sergeant George Barnes. ((Warning: Severe homophobia, controversial topics.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merry Christmas, Bucky (Winter's Red Star)

**Author's Note:**

> Though this story was difficult to write and is admittedly sad, we would still like to wish our fellow writers and readers on AO3 - members and guests alike - a very happy holiday season. Sending you hugs and well wishes for the season and for the upcoming new year!
> 
> With love,
> 
> Kat and Bucky

Merry Christmas, Bucky (Winter’s Red Star) 

By TilTheEndOfTheLinePal and Katzchen

****Year: 2014; Avengers Tower, New York City****

“And, then he said, ‘You want me to put the hammer down?!!’” Tony Stark had a knack for delivering punch lines. 

There was a spontaneous Christmas party that starkly cold night in the Avengers tower in New York City. All of the Avengers were there, and almost everyone laughed politely at Tony’s umpteenth recollection of the epic battle among Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America in the woods. 

Tony was comfortably drunk and, when Tony was drunk, he tended to repeat himself. 

The only person in the room who did not laugh at Tony’s often-told story was Bucky Barnes – The Winter Soldier. Bucky had only been an official Avenger for about three weeks. Currently, Bucky was staring off into the distance, but gave the air of being a part of the party by holding an obligatory beer bottle in his normal hand. 

Noting Bucky’s uneasiness, Natasha Romanov approached him, but completely made sure not to sneak up on the soldier. Clearing her throat politely, Natasha struck up a friendly conversation. 

“Hey, Sergeant Barnes,” she teased, knowing full well that Bucky avoided using his last name. “I thought you’d be waiting under the mistletoe.” 

Blinking a few times, Bucky’s mind sort of returned to the present. He didn’t match Black Widow’s friendly smile. Instead, he inhaled deeply through his nose and let it out slowly through pursed lips, briefly thinking that he wanted a cigarette. 

An idea forming in her mind, Natasha carefully circled her arm around The Winter Soldier’s metallic arm and gently began to lead him to an enormous Christmas tree in the corner of the room. Dragging his feet, Bucky reluctantly allowed Natasha to lead him. 

“Here,” Natasha said gently, plucking a red Christmas bulb off of a nearby table. “Why don’t you place this on the tree, Bucky?” 

Setting his beer down, Bucky began to reach for the red bulb with his normal hand, but Natasha slowly pulled the ornament away, silently encouraging The Winter Soldier to use his metal hand instead. Everyone had been trying to get Bucky to use his prosthetic arm again, but he had refused. Bucky Barnes felt insanely guilty for all of the damage he had done as The Winter Soldier and consequently had refused to use his bionic arm. 

Bucky just couldn’t forgive himself. Even though HYDRA had had him under a mind control, Sergeant Barnes swore he would never use his metallic arm again. Not knowing what he was doing wasn’t an excuse in The Winter Soldier’s mind. 

“Come on, soldier,” Black Widow said tenderly. “It’s okay…” 

Sighing in exasperation, Bucky finally moved his prosthetic arm and plucked the red bulb out of Natasha’s hand with his metallic fingers. His joints whirred and whined softly from lack of use. 

His mind involuntarily slipping again, The Winter Soldier blankly stared down at that red bulb for a while. Though, on the surface, it appeared as though Bucky wasn’t thinking about anything, his mind was furiously firing, bringing back old memories. A few extraordinarily vivid memories harshly flashed through Bucky’s brain all of a sudden. In his mind’s eye, Bucky saw himself in a mirror. He was inspecting the red star on his newly-attached metal arm, back in the 1940s. 

Growling softly through gritted teeth, The Winter Soldier effortlessly crushed the red glass bulb in his metallic hand as his heart suddenly raced uncontrollably, hammering wildly in his heaving chest. 

Gently biting her bottom lip, Natasha shifted her body slightly to purposefully meet eyes with Steve Rogers, who was across the room, closest to the hallway. In turn, Captain America immediately understood the look and walked across the room to meet Natasha and Bucky at the Christmas tree, though Steve purposefully stepped as casually as possible, doing everything he could not to draw anyone else’s attention. The last thing Steve wanted was for Bucky to feel embarrassed. 

Cap carefully grasped the back of Bucky’s normal arm, mumbling lowly, “Come on, pal…” 

The Winter Soldier stared slightly up into Captain America’s eyes. The soldier’s blue eyes were wild and dangerous. At that moment, Bucky Barnes was not himself. 

The other Avengers kind of noticed Bucky being led out into the hallway by Steve and Natasha, but those who did notice made sure not to mention it or draw attention to the situation. The Avengers respected the new hero in their ranks. 

The moment Bucky realized he was in the dimly-lit hallway outside of the party room, he immediately took a swing at Steve, fully lashing out at his best friend. Luckily, The Winter Soldier used his normal arm and Steve managed to block Bucky’s punch, though more infuriated strikes followed. 

Captain America and The Winter Soldier had a fierce, lightning-fast fight, right there in the hallway, though neither hero uttered a sound. Black Widow kept an eye out, ensuring that nobody else witnessed the scuffle; she purposefully didn’t get involved, knowing that Cap could handle it. 

Cap ended the soundless, furious fight with an unexpected head butt. Sergeant Barnes cried out very softly in shock and promptly fell to his knees, sweating and breathing hard. 

“I’m sorry, pal…” Steve whispered genuinely, his heart breaking. He immediately stood in front of Bucky, who was still kneeling, and tenderly placed his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “I’m so, so sorry, Bucky…” 

Bucky uttered a quiet, painful moan and rested the side of his head against Steve’s hip. He saw double for a short while and, feeling dizzy, he closed his eyes. As soon as his eyes fluttered closed, however, a vision flashed before his eyes again. This time, in his mind, Bucky could see himself hanging a red star ornament on a Christmas tree. 

“Just let it happen, Buck,” Steve whispered, tenderly caressing the back of Bucky’s warm neck. “It’s okay.” Captain America was acutely aware that Bucky had been struggling with post traumatic stress disorder and knew full well that The Winter Soldier was experiencing intense flashbacks. 

Cap briefly met eyes with Black Widow and nodded to silently indicate that everything was under control. Natasha backed off to give Steve and Bucky their privacy, but stayed close, just in case. Steve pulled Bucky’s long hair out of a loose ponytail. Cap knew just how much touch meant to The Winter Soldier. He began to lovingly play with Bucky’s hair in an effort to comfort him. 

The Winter Soldier had no choice but to ride out a strikingly vivid memory. 

****Year: 1934; Brooklyn, New York****

James Barnes really wanted to hold Steven Rogers’ hand, but he was too busy carrying Steve’s textbooks for him. Bucky rather liked the crunching sound his boots made in the shallow snow on the sidewalk. 

“You gotta lay off Miss Sweeney, Buck.” Steve threw his head back and laughed as he walked beside Bucky. The two teenagers were walking home from school. It was the Friday before Christmas break and everyone had been in a great mood at the high school that day. 

“What?” Bucky feigned innocence. “I didn’t do anything…” 

Steve gave Bucky an incredulous look. “Really?” Steve laughed. “Really, pal?”

So, *maybe* a slight blush reddened Bucky’s cheeks a little. He turned his face away in an effort to preserve his ‘innocence’, but he wasn’t doing a very good job. Bucky couldn’t help but laugh out loud, though, in response to Steve’s lighthearted accusatory tone. 

Everyone at the high school knew what an incredible flirt Bucky Barnes was. He was immensely popular with girls and guys alike and made everyone feel at ease and loved. Bucky made an effort to talk to every single student and teacher and knew everyone by name. Additionally, it was absolutely no secret that Bucky had a crush on the Grammar and Rhetoric teacher, Miss Sweeney, who was fresh out of college and really wasn’t a bad-looking dame. 

Bucky shamelessly flirted with Miss Sweeney pretty much on a daily basis and, as a Christmas gift, he had given her a single red rose. Granted, it wasn’t a traditional Christmas gift, but… it was rather romantic… Poor Miss Sweeney’s blush was somehow redder than the actual rose. Bucky had made a great show in front of the class, dramatically presenting the first-period teacher with the flower before giving her a great big hug, wishing her a very merry Christmas. 

“I was just being nice…” Bucky mumbled sheepishly, but grinned devilishly at Steve’s resulting scoff. 

“Yeah, okay, pal,” Steve said sweetly yet sarcastically before stopping at Bucky’s apartment door. 

Bucky kept walking momentarily, but stopped and doubled back when he realized Steve had stopped. “Oh, hey… We’re not at your Mom’s apartment yet, Steve…” 

“I know, I know,” Steve said. “But, look, it’s just a block away and…” Steve stopped upon seeing the look on Bucky’s face before continuing, “I promise not to get into a fight today, alright, pal?” 

Bucky shifted the books in his arms, briefly wondering why the hell Steve bothered to do homework over Christmas break. He licked his bottom lip briefly as he thought. “I don’t know…” he protested.

“Come on, Buck,” Steve pressed gently. “I’m just a block away. What could possibly go wrong? It’s Christmas.” 

Sighing, Bucky caved. “Alright, Steve… Alright. But, go straight home, okay?” 

Steve laughed and, rolling his eyes, he teased Bucky, “Okay, *George*.” 

Bucky really did blush this time given that Steve had compared him to his Dad, Master Sergeant George Barnes. 

“I’m just kidding,” Steve apologized rather quickly, feeling bad for his joke. “You’re okay, pally…” Steve studied Bucky for a moment before saying, “Hey… I like you.” 

Bucky laughed through his nose. “What’s your story, morning glory?” 

Steve’s grin melted Bucky’s heart. “You know what I mean…” Steve said, looking up into Bucky’s blue eyes. 

Bucky’s lips parted slightly as he became a little lost in Steve’s eyes. “Yeah…” he whispered distantly. “I like you, too…” 

His tender gaze unblinking, Steve also whispered, “Merry Christmas, Buck…” 

Shifting those damn school books to the side, Bucky leaned down and tried to kiss Steve, but Steve purposefully backed away. When Bucky tried again, Steve took a small step back, but gave a flirtatious laugh. Steve Rogers took great delight in teasing Bucky Barnes. 

“Stop being dingy…” Bucky said with a laugh, his eyes halfway closed. 

“Alright, alright,” Steve barely whispered before resting one hand behind Bucky’s neck, pulling him down for a tender, affectionate kiss. At first, it was hard to kiss, given that both teenagers were smiling so much. 

Their eyes closed, Steve and Bucky shared a long string of whisper-soft kisses. They were standing on the porch in front of Bucky’s family’s apartment, but both Steve and Bucky were so incredibly lost in the profoundly loving kisses that they might as well have been a million miles away. 

His breath catching in his chest, Bucky reluctantly leaned back and managed to mumble in return, “Merry Christmas, Steve,” before lightly licking his lips. Steve always somehow tasted like cinnamon. 

“Yeah…” was all Steve could say as he stared up at Bucky with starry, lost eyes. After a few bewildered moments, he cleared his throat. “See you tomorrow?” 

Bucky nodded and turned to open the door to his apartment, most definitely floating on cloud nine. 

Smiling stupidly, Steve remembered to take the textbooks from Bucky’s hands before leaving to go to his Mom’s apartment a block away. 

Closing the door behind him, Bucky paused and leaned back against the door. At that moment, he felt like the luckiest guy in the world. 

His lofty thoughts came to a screeching, immediate halt as he stepped away from the door and heard, “James?” 

Startled, Bucky jumped and spotted his Dad standing in the living room. Master Sergeant George Barnes was holding a half-empty bottle of scotch. Bucky’s eyes toggled from the liquor bottle, to his Dad’s blue eyes, and back to the bottle. 

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” Master Sergeant Barnes’ voice was blatantly slurred and had a harsh, accusatory tone. 

A host of ideas flooded Bucky’s mind, right then and there. He gazed off into the distance for a moment, essentially recalling everything he had ever done wrong, but, really, he honestly thought that everything was okay at the present. Currently, his grades were pretty good – not amazing like Steve’s straight ‘A’s, but he wasn’t failing any classes. And, Bucky hadn’t gotten into a street fight in at least a month and… and… 

Bucky’s mouth fell open as he came to a startling realization. He swallowed hard and began to breathe rather heavily. 

Bucky’s Dad placed the bottle of scotch on an end table before stepping towards his son. Blinking, Bucky briefly wondered where his Mom and his little sister, Rebekah, were. 

Master Sergeant Barnes and his son, James, stood eye to eye, now that Bucky was 17 years old. 

George Barnes gave a strange nod. His breath reeked of alcohol as he stood inches away from Bucky. “I didn’t know my son was a fairy.” When Bucky looked away in fear, George rapidly grabbed Bucky’s jaw and forced his head back. “Look at me!” he commanded. 

Breathing hard through clenched teeth, Bucky obediently looked back at his father, but didn’t dare touch him. Bucky carefully kept his hands at his sides. 

“I saw everything,” Master Sergeant Barnes growled. “The way you kissed that Rogers boy…” George shook his head in disgust. “My son… I didn’t know you were a little queer…” 

Bucky was absolutely frightened. It was extremely rare for his father to be abusive, but it happened… Every now and then, it happened. 

“I don’t ever want you to talk to that Rogers boy again, do you hear me?” Bucky’s Dad gripped his son’s jaw even more tightly. 

Bucky couldn’t suppress a small scared sob. 

“You will never, ever talk to that boy again. Understand?” George Barnes repeated himself. 

His eyes brimming with hot tears, Bucky mumbled a simple, “No.” 

“No?” 

“I love him,” Bucky confessed honestly, his voice barely above a whisper. 

About a minute later, Bucky absolutely could not remember how he suddenly ended up on his hands and knees; he could feel a trickle of hot blood oozing from one nostril. Shockingly dizzy, Bucky uttered a painful moan, bringing one hand up to his nose to feel that warm blood. 

It took a long moment for Bucky’s hearing to return – he had been knocked senseless - but he eventually understood that his father was screaming at the top of his lungs at him.

“Get up! Now, James! Get up and get out of here!” Master Sergeant Barnes commanded, one bloody fist threateningly up in the air. 

“Oh, god…” Bucky whispered, scrambling to his feet. He did rush out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. He panicked for a few short moments before realizing he had to find someplace safe. Somewhere where he knew he would be okay for a little while. 

It didn’t take long for Bucky to blindly stumble to Sarah Rogers’ (Steve’s Mom) apartment. It was a miracle he found the apartment, but, really, he had been there so many times he probably could have done it blindfolded. He hesitated for a full minute before finally knocking on the door, the back of his free hand pressed against his bloody nose. 

Sarah Rogers’ smile rapidly faded upon noting Bucky’s state. “James!” she exclaimed, suddenly pulling him into the warm apartment. “Oh, my god, honey…” 

The next fifteen minutes were rather blank for Bucky Barnes. He had been directed to sit at the dining room table and it took both Steve and his Mom to pull Bucky’s hand away from his nose. Bucky’s mind could only focus on the comforting feel a dampened, cool dishtowel against his face. 

“Take a breath, James,” Mrs. Rogers said soothingly, running a hand over Bucky’s thick brown hair. 

Coming back to his senses again, Bucky obediently took in a couple of deep breaths as his vision refocused. 

“Hey… there he is,” Steve said in an effort to comfort Bucky. “Welcome back, pal.” 

As Bucky looked up into Steve’s eyes, everyone - from Bucky to Steve to Sarah – all silently and simultaneously came to the realization that this wasn’t the first time Master Sergeant Barnes had been physically abusive. There would be time to figure out the details later. To figure out what to do. For the moment, however, Steve wanted to make Bucky feel at home and feel at ease. 

“Come on, Buck,” Steve said, taking a hold of his boyfriend’s hand. 

Bucky quietly allowed Steve to lead him to the meager Christmas tree in the small apartment living room. Steve weakly smiled up at Bucky before handing him a Christmas tree ornament – a red star. 

“See that one?” Steve asked, doing everything he could to keep his voice light and upbeat. He pointed at a white star that was already hanging from one branch. “That one’s mine… This one…” Steve touched Bucky’s hand, which held the red star. “This one is yours, Buck. This is your home, too.” 

The faintest of smiles graced the corner of Bucky’s mouth as he hung his red star next to Steve’s white star. 

Steve’s voice was low, but still rather audible. “You know how, earlier, I said that I like you?” 

Bucky nodded slightly, never taking his eyes off of the white and red stars. 

Steve tenderly directed Bucky to look down at him, instead. “I don’t ‘like’ you, Buck… I love you…” Steve paused, taking in a deep breath. “I absolutely love you.” 

“I…” Bucky gasped softly as he visibly trembled. “I love you, too,” he managed to say, his voice shaking. 

Mrs. Rogers politely looked away as her son kissed his boyfriend. 

Tears rolled down Bucky’s handsome face as he closed his eyes and returned his boyfriend’s loving kiss. 

As Steve warmly embraced Bucky, he gave his Mom a friendly wave to silently ask her to hug Bucky also. Mrs. Rogers embraced both Steve and Bucky. 

“James,” Sarah said softly at first, though the tone of her voice became firm. “I want you to love anyone you want to. Do you understand?” 

Bucky began to cry fully, then. He hadn’t cried since he was a small boy. In turn, Steve and his Mom both began to softly sob. 

Mrs. Rogers kissed Bucky’s forehead and purposefully repeated herself. “You love anyone you want to. Don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You got that?” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Bucky said obediently between sobs. 

That night, Bucky curled up under a warm blanket on the living room couch in Steve’s Mom’s apartment. The living room was dimly lit only by Christmas tree lights. Utterly emotionally spent, Bucky couldn’t help but continue to stare at those two stars –one white and one red – before falling deeply asleep. 

****Year: 2014; Avengers Tower, New York City****

“I’m so sorry,” Natasha apologized profusely, standing next to Captain America and The Winter Soldier as Steve continued to hold onto Bucky, who was still kneeling in front of him. 

Cap shook his head a little. “No, don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise… Buck had been doing so good, you know? It’s just… a struggle, I guess. From time to time.” 

Natasha nodded in response. She normally wasn’t an affectionate person, but she really wanted to embrace The Winter Soldier at that moment – to comfort him - but respectfully kept her distance. 

“What does he see when he does this?” Natasha looked up at Cap, referring to Bucky’s PTSD-induced flashbacks. “Do you know?” 

“No… He won't tell me…” Cap admitted, staring down at Bucky as he continued to lovingly play with Bucky’s long hair. “I can only guess that it might have something to do with the war or what HYDRA did to him.” 

Bucky’s weak, trembling voice startled both Captain America and Black Widow. “Don’t talk about me as if I wasn’t here…” he said with a light sob. 

“Oh, Buck…” Cap’s shoulders fell. “You’re alright.” 

“Hey,” Tony Stark said softly, peering around the corner into the dimly lit hallway. In a very uncharacteristically kind tone, he said, “We’re opening presents. I’m pretty sure there’s one for The Winter Soldier.” 

Nodding in acknowledgement, Steve carefully helped Bucky to stand again and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leading him back into the main room. 

“Merry Christmas, Bucky,” Steve said, handing The Winter Soldier a small wrapped box with a little red bow on the top. 

Sergeant Barnes reluctantly used both hands to open his gift. He didn’t really like having all of the Avengers’ eyes on him, but he was too exhausted to really resist. 

“Oh, my god…” he said distantly. “Where did you find these?” 

Steve carefully pulled a chain over Bucky’s head and adjusted his boyfriend’s World War II dog tags. 

“They were surprisingly really, really hard to find…” Steve admitted truthfully with a light laugh. “I know how much you love those dog tags of yours, pal.” 

Bucky held his dog tags in his metal hand, carefully studying them. When he had served in the Army back in World War II, he had looked at them and held them countless times. It was like having an old friend back. 

One by one, all of the Avengers – from Bruce to Clint to Natasha and Tony to Thor and Steve – each affectionately wished Bucky a Merry Christmas. Each Avenger, in her or his own way, quietly assured Bucky Barnes that, yes, The Winter Soldier was now most definitely a fellow Avenger, a hero. 

Tentatively smiling again, The Winter Soldier met eyes with Captain America, who gave a quiet, reassuring nod. 

“Welcome home, soldier,” said Captain America.


End file.
